Twenty Five for Twenty Six

I spent the majority of the last week working extra  hours so I could have a half day in order to go to HHN with Kayla and Brianna. It was a highly successful night!! I got Brianna to go through some of the scariest houses and in general we got a ton of stuff done. 7/10 houses!! Crazy!! Kayla and I ended up going a additional night to repeat some stuff and do the show. Next year will hopefully be just as successful!  Peter and I saw the remake of Halloween in theaters. It’s an entertaining movie with some twists. I thought it was good and I’d go see it again for sure just to see how those twists hold up.  I then got to go to Tampa to see Catherine and dress up as Dark Betty from Riverdale!! Of course, it wasn’t perfect and getting the supplies ended up being an adventure in and of itself but it was fun and I can always perfect her costume in the coming weeks! 

I wrote the first half of a post for today and it was a giant apology. To myself, to others, in general.  I haven’t been able to keep up with the things I set for myself and now new stressors are entering my life.  I wanted to find a picture of the Titanic quote that Rose says about screaming in a crowded room and no one looking up it the internet hates me. But that’s how I feel. It’s my own fault though, I’m too stubborn to be 100 percent with everyone even though I want to be.  I want to be better. I want to be the person I portray but  I’m good at masks. I’m good at illusion. It’s what I was taught by many different life experiences.  I’m an odd person, I’m aware of this fact. I took pride in being odd and not having many friends or being popular. I managed and was happy and grateful with how things worked out. More recently, I feel alone and stuck and unsure or myself and it’s terrifying. 

Halloween officially starts in 30 days, all the friend time is this month, it must be October!!  This also means it is the last month to accomplish goals. I am adding one or two changes here and there and I am still 6 pounds away from my goal weight (dying of frustration).  It’s mind blowing to think about how much I have accomplished and how much I didn’t even start. I have a little bit of time but 26 is rapidly approaching. It’s he final countdown!! 

Self esteem is a tricky concept. Does it come from within or is it jump started by others? How do we know when we have self esteem and its level within us?  I tell my clients to focus on creating their self esteem for themselves. Do something you enjoy, complete a task that needs to get done or is something you are good at, positive affirmations, mantra, repetition may be key in there things. Some times it means getting better sleep, eating better food, or drinking more water to initiate chemical changes that contribute to self esteem. Some times it is a haircut, makeup look, clothing choice, or talent that we want to show off because flaunting it allows us to feel accomplished and confident.  Find what ever it is that helps you feel confident in your skin, happy, bright, beautiful, worthy, ect and try to implement that thing/act in to your life more often. You may find that how you feel about yourself changes, even when that thing isn't present. 

I am late on my MHM (mental Mental Health Minute) posts so here you are!! One of the things that has been a major road block in my consistent posting is anxiety. I am not an anxious person really but certain things in my everyday life have been causing me an extra dose of anxiety recently. When I get anxious, I experience psychosomatic symptoms such as being nauseous, certain joints aching, or seeing double. But what is anxiety?Why does it exist? I ask my clients this all the time and they can usually explain it back after a minute of thought or so. Anxiety is designed to keep you safe. It is the name for your body's systematic approach to a perceived threat. Sometimes you are designed to fight back (anger responses, faster reflexes ect) and sometimes you are designed to flee (hide, run away, ghost on people). Sometimes we freeze as well when we get anxious because our system literally cannot process what is happening  (deer in headlights, crying, no words, uncertainty).   Wha...

This week as been all over the place. Interviews, emergency vet visits, baby showers, and t shirt making plus work and terrible headaches and fighting with boyfriend.  It is so hard to stay motivated and on top of things when all of the external factors are collectively shoving you off of your tracks.   I haven’t coped with all of the bad stress well- lots of eating that shouldn’t have happened and I gained three pounds as a result. I also spent waaayyy more money than I should have as well.  I plan to cope better this week. More constructively. I have a T-shirt to finish making for the upcoming concert, a painting I can work on, and some extra time off this week! I have a mini goal for next week to post everyday. Let’s see. 

Today started off with a nightmare and running late to work. I wasn’t able to pack any food and had to live out of the vending machine. But, some really cool things happened today after all. I had a few moments with guests that were just lovely and the leaders saw those moments which earned high fives and “that’s awesomes”.  One set of guests gave me an appreciation note!!  To make the day even better, I GOT TO SEE CATHERINE!! Her and Alex were in town to go to an outdoors store and they treat me to dinner at Buca diBeppo and then we talked about potential birthday party things. Her and I used to do “Suzy Tuesday” when we both lived in Tampa so that explains today’s title. Her and Alex are breaths of fresh air in my otherwise indoor air life and I love them.  Peter and I watched the Super Mario Bros movie and I learned I have lost a total of 14 lbs, only 11 more to go! 

This is how I have felt for the last four days. Also, I had to find my copy of Halloweentown, set up the BluRay player, fast forward to this scene, and then take a picture of it because I have had this particular sequence in my head and the Internet didn’t have the picture anywhere I could find.  I haven’t been doing well with my food. I’ve been sleeping a ton and eating out a lot and falling to my cravings for desserts. Today I didn’t eat a single thing from my own home; everything was fast food. And I knew this as I bought it. I know my calorie count and expectations and what to do to help me drop weight and here I am saying “oops” and doing it anyway. I feel guilty and like I failed. I constantly feel like I’m failing and I cope by doing things that eventually will make me feel like a failure but later. It’s a vicious and toxic cycle and I’m too unmotivated (read lazy) to change it. How do I fix this? How do I fix me?  We saw “Skyscraper” today. It was entertaining. 

I didn’t spell sideffects correctly I don’t think. Maybe I did. Some of the big side effects of the pneumonia meds is being exhausted early. I passed out at 930 pm last night. We just got back from seeing Deadpool 2 around 1050 and I just curled up and boom! The cat and Peter woke me up.  Tomorrow is a WDW day so some good water intake and steps are in my future . Work today was good and food intake was good too! 32 ounces of water as well!  Now let’s keep it up. 

How is it the 13th of June already?? How did this happen??  It is so crazy for me to realize how much slower time goes when I am doing all of my daily things. June has flown by. Part of it was the wedding stuff and then the other part has to be a new section at Disney. These last few days have been hard. Work is fine... it’s home that’s hard. It keeping to my word for myself that is hard. My relationship is hard. Feeling motivated. Doing laundry. Getting out of bed.  Recently there has been an influx of “check on your strong friends” because of the celebrity suicides. I shared one of the posts. No one checked on me. I’m not mad about it and I’m not suicidal, I’m just stating a fact.   Catherine asked how I was doing in a group message a few days later so maybe that counts. Maybe I’m not considered the strong friend to a lot of people. Maybe I’m not important. Regardless, I’m struggling right now with things that I don’t even know how to vocalize.  Awareness is k...

And my best friend got married!!  So it has been a week since her mountain top wedding in North Carolina. It was beautiful and fun and she was a wonderful Bride and had an equally wonderful Groom. I would tell you all more about the wedding and the process and the driving (Jesus so much driving) but that really isn’t what was important. I got to stand next to my best friend, on a mountain top,  while she tied herself (literally) to her partner and then, like 8 hours later, I got to help her take the flowers out of her hair. It was wonderful.  It also gave me a great “reason” to eat like crap for the last week. I gained three pounds back because of my negligence and I have been struggling sooooooo mmuucccchhhh to use my Noom app. To top that off, I’ve been sick. I spent all day Monday dying in bed and then from there just slow recovery. Now time has come to get back on the horse and keep mining forward while everything is still salvageable. I started back at WDW today afte...