Twenty Five for Twenty Six

Today my mom would have been 68 years old. I often wonder about what she would think of me, of my job, my choices, of Peter, of my cat, friends, school, all of it. It's strange to think 10 years ago I was about to turn 16 and she had just been put into her home; had just gotten worse and that my sister had recently brought Anderson into this world. It is crazy to think I have been without my mother being fully present since I was 8. Sometimes I tell my whole story (if you don't know it and want to, just ask) and people are just floored. When I reflect on that story, I am not. It doesn't ever feel like it could have gone any differently. I wasn't meant to have parents, but rather a parental units. I wasn't meant to be a child for long, but rather carry that feeling of childhood into my actions as an adult. And in ten years, I'll be 35, missing my mom, and who knows what else.  Today I had a small moment of panic as I looked at the scale and just wanted to cry. Th...

Today was a great day. It was a good day at work (despite the clients having a silent group because they are misbehaving), I looked hella cute in my dress and makeup and hair and over all good vibes #BossLadyMondayonaTuesday. Anella and I went to see The Nun because we have been trying to do this since it came out. We finally got to see it and it was freaky but not terrible. Jump scares mostly and general suspense. It is so different to go to the movies with a girl friend rather than a significant other, it seems more playful you know? As planned, she and I then went to the Mall to get our favorite food court Chinese food. It was fabulous (and fattening) but so good. While we were eating, a man approached us and walked if we wanted to play trivia to which Anella responded "she does" because I am chalk full of useless information (IS THAT THE CORRECT SPELLING OF THAT PHRASE???). So we start playing trivia while we eat. I don't think I have ever been that competitive ab...

In my line of work, guilt and shame are big topics to tackle. Addicted populations tend to experience high levels of both of these emotions and continue to maladaptively handle them thus spiraling further into their relationship with their drug of choice. "But what is the difference between guilt and shame?" they often ask. Being the good little mental health professional that I am, I psycho educate and then we work on stuff. It doesn't end there, it isn't that easy. Guilt and Shame are very difficult emotions to process and recover from.  Guilt is designed to keep us in check, from hurting anyone/stealing things; from violating morals or values set in place by a society to maintain order and piece. Whenever something happens, be it accidental or on purpose that violates these things, the average person feels guilty. For example, I never felt guilt about my eating happens until Noom explained to me what exactly I was putting into my body. So now, to avoid feeling guil...

As I transition into more hours as a therapist and tailor my schedule to this new life, I notice how much has changed and not changed over the last 6 years.  Today was a big realization moment for me when Peter and I befriend some guys in a line at HHN. Talked about the houses, past years, Bill and Ted, theme parks in general. It was great. And then I realized that these guys were children. They are in high school, in band. I felt my chest tighten once I figured it out. They did not look like high schoolers at all. They weren't like me and my ridiculous friends. They acted, looked, and spoke like adults, Mind blowing.  When I was in high school, 7 years ago (kill me now), we were not that poised, pretty, confident, fashionable, affluent, other adjectives to describe  these people. What must high school be like now??? I can't even think about that part... But I can think about how my friends have changed and stayed the same, how I still live in a fantasy world most of the ...

I have been struggling over the last few days with gaining some of my weight back inexplicably. It is frustrating to say the least. After my workout today I was at 152.8 and while that is okay... it isn’t where I should be. However, I’m not sure what else to be doing. *sigh*

Decorating the house for Halloween has been a thing for Peter and I the last few years. It just activates the season for us and makes us happier humans. We went to Target for a couple of things and ended up spending 30 dollars on unnecessary things. Like a two story, Haunted House cat scratch thing. And notchristmas lights for the patio... DECORATING HERE WE COME

Peter and I did complete a third night at HHN. That is a full weekend of spooks and we still have two houses to finish!!! Nonsense!  We went through Scary Tales, The Horrors of Blumhouse, Dead Exposure-Patient Zero, and Stranger Things. Scary Tales was the best of the night for sure!! Immersive and beautiful, the set pieces, costumes, scents, and tricks were really awesome. Being the fairy tale fan that I am, I also appreciate the reverse.  Blumhouse was the second house of the night and I wasn't expecting a whole bunch. The houses in this location are not the best in my opinion (Inisidious' section of the house last year was intense but I stand by the statement) and this was no exception. Happy Death Day was a blast although not all that scary. The same character repetitively jumps out of the same spot so... Yeah... The First Purge Section was played out for me. It's a tired franchise and we need to take a break from it. It works best as a scare zone and even that needs to...

I have no pictures of night two because I don't really take them all that often and my phone is kind of sucky... Peter was on prehydrate duties all day and then was given a cup to refill with water for the whole night. He was able to not dehydrate which was great. We got through three houses and splitting a piece of pizza. We went through TrickRTreat first, not necessarily scary but super themed and entertaining if you love the movie. Slaughter Sinema was next and that one got me a couple of times. It is highly themed and kitschy, very 80s so it is probably the best representation of the theme for this year. Halloween 4 was the last house of the night. I am not scared of Michael Myers- the concept, the mask, none of it. The first year they did a Halloween house I went through it with Kayla and we ran through a room in a ducked position screaming nope. This house was fun and made me jump a couple of times. Not nearly as jarring as the first house but I did grab on to Peter when I th...

In general, goals have been iffy. I have been drinking water regularly, hanging out with friends more, today was a Fashionista Friday, and I have been looking into how to submit a proposal. Weight increased but I can't quite pin point why.  Today was the first night of HHN. It was okay. We made it through one house and then lines got worse, the time crunch kicked in, hunger struck, and dehydration took Peter out completely. We are going back tomorrow, hopefully I will have more to report. 

Self esteem is a tricky concept. Does it come from within or is it jump started by others? How do we know when we have self esteem and its level within us?  I tell my clients to focus on creating their self esteem for themselves. Do something you enjoy, complete a task that needs to get done or is something you are good at, positive affirmations, mantra, repetition may be key in there things. Some times it means getting better sleep, eating better food, or drinking more water to initiate chemical changes that contribute to self esteem. Some times it is a haircut, makeup look, clothing choice, or talent that we want to show off because flaunting it allows us to feel accomplished and confident.  Find what ever it is that helps you feel confident in your skin, happy, bright, beautiful, worthy, ect and try to implement that thing/act in to your life more often. You may find that how you feel about yourself changes, even when that thing isn't present. 

Today the realization of how bad my chocolate problem is getting hit me. I packed a chocolate tear to split between both meals at work. I ate lunch and then sat here for at least 15 minutes before making the mental decision to go stare st the vending machine. Really that choice was to go get something sweet, something chocolaty and delicious. I devoured it in less than two minutes.  My addiction to chocolate (realistically sugary caffeine) has been getting steady worse since 2015. In these last two month, when I need to be working my hardest to meet my goals I have not been doing well fighting agaisnt chocolate. And I am not even adopted the mindset of “you get none!” I give myself the false security of “moderation.” Maybe I need to try none. Get some of the sugar or if the system. Withdraw, who knows!! But this makes me the tiniest bit sad that I can’t say no to myself. 

It is crazy to think that I am in the last two months of my project. Things are going okay with it to be honest. I am down to 152 as of this morning, only 7 more lbs to go until my goal is achieved. The rest of the goals are doing better over the last week and I am about to start on the proposal I want to write. The budget, schedule, and car stuff is still a struggle but I am still constituents working on it. Big decisions have to happen for me in the next week months so we shall see how any goals will be impacted.  There are things in my life that are making posting hard and I told my self in the beginning that it was okay to miss posts. I just don't like missing them weeks at a time. It feel unauthentic, disingenuous, wrong. But the things that are happening take me out of a blogging head space... It just makes it so hard to be motivated about writing. That is something I will have to adjust. 

I am late on my MHM (mental Mental Health Minute) posts so here you are!! One of the things that has been a major road block in my consistent posting is anxiety. I am not an anxious person really but certain things in my everyday life have been causing me an extra dose of anxiety recently. When I get anxious, I experience psychosomatic symptoms such as being nauseous, certain joints aching, or seeing double. But what is anxiety?Why does it exist? I ask my clients this all the time and they can usually explain it back after a minute of thought or so. Anxiety is designed to keep you safe. It is the name for your body's systematic approach to a perceived threat. Sometimes you are designed to fight back (anger responses, faster reflexes ect) and sometimes you are designed to flee (hide, run away, ghost on people). Sometimes we freeze as well when we get anxious because our system literally cannot process what is happening  (deer in headlights, crying, no words, uncertainty).   Wha...

This isn't the first time I have worn it but it still blows my mind. When I FIRST put on the crop top I own, I was in work out pants that attractively went up to my belly button. I struggled with the concept of " you can't get this, no one wants to see you walk around like that..." For multiple reasons. One, I am pale. Rediculously pale. And chubby.   I wore it with high waisted shorts and white sneakers. Reflecting on it, it seems very nineties. I digress.  I wore it to Magic Kingdom for Peter's birthday and then again today after work to traipse around the Food and Wine Festival with Ilana. Both times started out as this self conscious, worried feeling. " No one wants to see this, you look rediculous, she's urging you, they're judging you." And then this confident, BAMF feeling seeps in of "they're looking because you look good, you feel great right now, you are a bad ass, you're midriff is great" ect.  It isn't something ...