Twenty Five for Twenty Six

The journally prompt for the end of this month was “the word the describes the month”. To be honest, a bunch of words do. Tough, hard, slip up, failure, reset, struggle. I could go in. I don’t hunk I will stlook ca with tough because it is the least devastating? I found this graphic a while ago and I didn’t go anything with it but it applies today as well as going into this month.  I want to be honest throughout this blogging process but I recently realized my inner critic has been increasingly worse. So tough fits most of those “Think” requirements except for inspiring. Here’s to a better February. 

I have so much to do and clean and I am just so tired goodnight 

I was on Pinterest today looking at Bridesmaid hairstyles (Catherine found one she likes and it is pretty so now I just need to figure out how to put it on my head) and came across a journaling prompt list. I thought "that could be a fun blog idea! And then I have no excuse for not coming up with something unless I am actually asleep on my feet". The prompt was "Something that gives you energy" which is a tad vague but doable. Being the straight forward person that I am, my immediate answer was sleep and food. That biological basis can't be argued but it isn't exactly the most personal answer for the books. That is where today's graphic comes in. If I were to change the phrase "gives you energy" to "recharges you" my answer changes. I am an introverted extrovert. People are great, attention is great, parties/outside/interactions all great things that can get me going for the day... if they are done on my terms. When forced into so...

I feel like that ghost man balancing four plates with only one leg to stand on A LOT. And it is my own doing with working all my part time jobs.  It is hard for me give any of them up because they each bring me joy and purpose in different ways. My schedule is getting a little easier now that it’s pretty much the same shift every day at Disney. However, they are closing shifts so I’m losing time to meal prep, grocery shop, clean, etc.  This week should hopefully be a little bit better. I made my schedule already and by golly I’m sticking to it come hell or high water. Moving some gym days around has been helping but we still aren’t completely to three times a week. However, I walk 6.2 miles every shift with Disney so that has to count for something?  Food options have not been great because I have no time to make my own food. It is always on the go so it’s always stuff that isn’t great for me and costs more than I would like it to. Ugh. I just need to find the time. To ma...

 I was able to have a piece of cake today. It was scrumptious! I had a big lunch from the mall so I split that between two meals. And the small cake too. The cake was in celebration because boyfriend is pretty sure he got the job he’s been praying on. So celebratory cake. Also because I needed sugar.  It has been a tough week. For work, for relationships, for work, for blogging, for the cat (we changed her diet, obviouslt she thinks she’s dying), for work, for eating, and for the gym. Did I mention for work?  My profession prevents me from a ton of public stories but it has been a doozie since Monday. And it just gets more and more interesting as the week goes on. I’m definitely feeling the struggle this week as I attempt to juggle theee jobs with one job having seven individual clients and the other having harder hours. I can do it, I know I can. This week was just hard.  Yesterday’s post was canceled due to extreme tiredness from walking 8 miles through out the day...

Today went okay. I did a little better with food but I did not get to the gym as planned due to client crisis (not a life or death crisis though). I have a big running around day tomorrow at Disney so that will have to help with some of the exercise falling behind. I will give props to Catherine and another lovely lady (I’m not sure if she wants to be named so we will keep to anonymity for now) for helping with my post yesterday. They reached out to me one on one and provided suggestions so thank you both. My aunt also provided support which I am grateful for as well!  Here’s to easier days going forward. 

With all the weddings I’ve gone to in the last 5 months, I’ve been in a few pictures. I saw one of me that was posted recently and I wanted to cry. I swiped through the pictures and just got more and more in disbelief, mentally asking “Is that really me? Is that what I look like from behind?” I stared at them until I couldn’t any more and immediately had to go do something else. I looked like such a different person than what I thought I looked like. My mental picture and reality are just sooooo far off and it was jolting to see it. I don’t want to look that way. I haven’t struggled with body image very much. If anything I’ve always thought I was smaller than I am. But I’m much bigger than I want to realize and I need to cut it out now before it becomes an even bigger issue. I know all of this.  And here I am having finished a small KFC meal and still hungry as I write this. I have so little self control with food. I eat when I stressed, bored, hungry, sad, because it’s t...

The week got away from me again but I kind of have an excuse? I went to Ilysa’s wedding last Sunday which messed up my Monday/Tuesday schedule. Then I got to spend the night over at my Big’s house with her and her sister. Why you ask? GOOFY’S MYSTERY TOUR!! For those who don’t know, this is a cast activity where 300-ish teams of four people who are bungee corded together run around to solve Disney themed puzzles and answer Disney trivia.  It wasn’t on Wednesday, it was on Thursday. But Wednesday night we prepped until 1am. And in event day, we were out until1am in 30 degree weather . We did fairly well at the completion in my opinion. 9/12 puzzles plus the final mystery. We had some really hard puzzles to do and some easy ones. It was good time. We came up with the final puzzle as a group pretty much and it was the first time we have ever gotten the final mystery so that was great.  Friday came and I went to work sooooo tired. But it was fine. Saturday I went to wo...

Remember how I said I lost four pounds? Well it is all back. I am not making good food choices. Part of that is out of laziness, part is out of poorness, and the other part is weakness. I don't do well when I am hungry. But I hate and/or get sick from things that would help my hunger. I also happen to love sweets.  For this week, I am going to try and be more conscious of my food choices and time management. But that's a whole other topic. 

On Wednesdays at my counseling job, we do a group where each client has to end with saying what commitment they will complete for the week. I thought about that word today when I was completing my schedule for this week and next (it's busy let me tell you) and it applies so much to the last few days. I made a commitment to my friend to go to her wedding where she then stated her commitment to her partner for forever (I did, it was beautiful, congratulations you wonderful people!!). I made a commitment to my clients to help then on their journey to sobriety if they want me to help. I Maeve a commitment to my best friend to be her maid of honor in June. And all of these things I uphold so far. It doesn't seem like a big issue for me to keep my commitments; I sound like a blue person. Except when it comes to myself.  I'm sure if you read all the time you're sick of me saying the same thing over and over with no real change. I am too. But then I get upset when someone remin...

Hot Bread- Noun. The bread piece you get from Panera as your side when it has just come out of the oven and is wonderful. I love bread. This is not a secret. I had too much of it today and I should have gone to the gym as a counter measure. However, I participated in other goals such as cleaning the car (still needs its monthly car wash and vacuum) and... well... that's it. Like always, I'm struggling even with basic little tasks. I want to do them, I do!! Fatigue roars its heavy head and then places it right on my shoulder blades, forcing me into a seated position. I did help boyfriend a little by making him dinner and providing distraction while he waited for an important phone call. And then I beat him at Uno. So that was a playful hour or so. 

I wore makeup and dressed up today in order to get back into Well Dressed Wednesday. Clients gave me compliments which was nice of them, I hid my dissatisfaction about my hair, and in general I felt better than past days. But the busy-ness is creeping up which brings the tiredness and sadness. I worried about how I'm going to handle everything once all the jobs are up and running. But at least for today, despite it being so busy and hardly getting any paperwork done, I felt pretty.

I set up my laptop to write this post and suddenly I was overwhelmed by tiredness. And boyfriend trying to snuggle me because I got my haircut and I'm not totally feeling it? I originally went to get it cut because it was really scraggly and rough and generally making feel like depression is setting in. Not that I even feel depressed!! So I decided to get it cut and I liked it when I left the hair place. But then I got home and started doing wind down things and suddenly "Nope. Don't like it." What was an act of self care has not triggered this lovely progression of "here are all the things that are wrong..." which is not what I intended. Boyfriend is trying to help but I'm all in my head and too focused on being fat, tired, and now looking like Dora the Explorer. This is where being nice to myself has to come in. I am making moves to change the things I don't think are healthy for me and that I what I choose to focus on in this moment.  I'm t...

Its goal time!! Which I read in my head as Blue Clues' Mail Time but this is fine. Boyfriend keeps harping about budgets. And while he's not wrong, I've never had one before? Being out of school means I don't have the school money security blanket that I have grown so fond of over the last eight trillion years I've been going to college. So today I started making a Budget. I am still waiting on some stuff to iron out but right now I am in a preliminary stage where I can set up various bills and incomes through my bank account in addition to text alerts. It all seems so strange whenever I do  "adult" things. It shouldn't but it does. Hopefully this gets easier with time and I can work towards making lasting change. In other new, went to the Gym then had Moes with the boyfriend while we watched Pirates of the Caribbean 5.  I also may have gotten Anella started on the Splintered series and made a little bit of progress on some work organization. We ...

I have nothing prolific to share really. I made it to the gym for the third time this week which means I finally have made progress towards that goal. Now to just replicate that for next week. OH!! I made some schedule stuff for this week as well. Now to finish it tomorrow and then start living it.  We took down the Christmas decorations (finally) and went to lunch with boyfriend's parents. Pretty easy day. 

Having time off from Disney helps sooooooooo much. Really. I feel pretty good despite still being busy. Little reprieves are nice. As far as today goes though... I really didn't do anything related to goals today other than laundry. But I did get to support the boyfriend through an interview that would really change the game for him and us and life. So fingers crossed on that. I helped him tie the tie he ended up not needing and reminded him to breathe. I fought off some ants that have decided to attack out shower and then switched out the laundry. And now I am at the end of an eight hour shift at my therapy job where I got some time to draw. Its a self care activity I don't do a whole lot because it makes me mad. But now Anella has a lovely Little Mermaid cartoon that is kind of terrible to look at on Monday.

Today was measurements day with my personal trainer and I HATE doing it. I joined the gym in May last year and every time I get measured, I'm bigger. And every time I tell her the same thing "I need to just get here more and do better at eating." Every. Single. Time. But not today. Today I was down four pounds from my last measurements in November and I think two inches???? What?? Its a small win. It isn't noticeable visually. And it could have an other explanation. But it felt kinda cool to see the numbers go down. I'm hoping to have more of those sooner than later. Also! I finished the extra stories to the Splintered series so that makes three books so far this year. That's pretty cool too. All the progress.

Today was a little better in the accomplishments department. I went grocery shopping and cleaned a portion of my car. I still didn't take down the decorations and boyfriend was doing laundry. I did clean out the fridge and put away some stuff so that was good. AND I FINISHED MY BOOK SERIES! I read like no one's business if I feel like I need answers but I didn't completely like the answers I got from my series? I'll read the novellas and see if that helps. But I had some small wins today which is something to be grateful for. Boyfriend also had a sprinkle of luck today with some interviews so fingers (and toes) crossed that something great comes of it!! I checked in with Catherine today and realized that part of the reason I am doing all of this is my identity crisis due to no longer being a student. Even though my profession allows me to be a life long learner, it is difficult to adjust from an everyday routine in primary school to some freedom in college to the fr...

To be fair, I just came off of a two hours reading session for one of my weird Alice in Wonderland but darker books. I'm a tad cynical. I didn't do chores like I was supposed to. I didn't really do anything like I was supposed to. I went to the chiropractor early so that I could have the day off to do stuff. Got by new book, tried to go to Pollo Tropical but then the power went off, found another one to go to, it was closed, backed into a pole  because I am dumb, finally found a Pollo that was open, ate food, came home to change into warmer clothes because it was 40-48 degree all day long and I'm not used to that madness, saw Jumangi with the boy friend and then came home and had my reading session. And that was one long, probably grammatically incorrect sentence. Wow. I forgot I bought some stuff at Victoria Secret with the gift card I got for Christmas. I'm angry with myself for failing again. I'm too tired physically to do the things I needed to do and bo...

On the second day of the year I wasn't nearly as motivated or productive as the first. However, that does not mean I didn't choose to make it a good day. I went to work and did my best with my clients. I went to the gym and pushed myself on the elliptical. Helped the boyfriend out by buying part of his dinner.  And finished the day by watching a movie with him. Did I do chores? No. But I have the day off tomorrow so I will get some of them done; no excuses apologies, or regrets. In particular, I will be taking down the Christmas tree and doing some laundry. I have the day off tomorrow because there is no current festival and because I switched my counseling day to today for this week. Simple chores really.  But lets talk about the gym a little more for a second. In May it will be a year since I joined the gym and to be honest, all I've done is gain weight. Some might be in muscle but most of it is because I will go and adopt this mindset that then I can eat whatever I ...

Despite being rainy and cold here in Florida, today is a beautiful day. Because I choose it to be. I have been struggling so much recently and even though in all of that struggle I have chosen to be happy and to keep moving forward, there is still so much that I keep letting get in the way of that choice. Everyone has these "New Year, New Me" type of declarations. Mine is different only in that I made mine when I turned 25. So far I haven't seen a ton of change and while I can sit here and type about  "the reasons why," it all boils down to me. I am making choices that hinder my desired goal. Sometimes those choices are justified and sometimes they aren't. They are always choices. Today I choose to be happy and to leave some of the stress and struggle where it started. Today I choose to work towards goals, put some of my needs first, focus on happiness and strength. Today I choose for it to be a beautiful day.