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Does That’s Make Me Crazy?



I am sitting on  my kitchen floor in tears with my cat because I lost something. It went missing and I can’t find it. This happens to me often. I’m always misplacing things or forgetting them somewhere. I used to have meltdowns like this every time I would lose something but I have gotten so much better as I have gotten older (mostly because I forget more things more often and being upset all the time is exhausting). And then moments like today happen where it is something important and I know I did the right thing and put it where it goes and it just disappears. Poof. Gone. And I tear my apartment and car to pieces looking for it to no avail. 

And then I get upset about being forgetful (I didn’t used to be and suddenly one day I just was) and if that means I’m ending up like my Mom. I get all kinds of irrational when I lose things and no amount of positive self talk or REBT seems to stop it. And it sucks so much. I hate feeling crazy as I check the same places over and over as if what I lost is going to magically show up. I hate asking the universe for help and strength to calm down and then feeling like nothing is listening to me. I feel so helpless and broken and so much like a failure. All because one little, replaceable thing is missing. 

I wish that wasn’t my reaction. But it is. I’ve worked on it for years and it still happens. Sometimes things don’t go away completely. Sometimes they just get manageable. This only happens every once in a while;I have no reason to complain when I compare my history to my present. It just sucks.

On another note, the clients found a cat today, I’m behind in literally everything, we celebrated one of the interns’ birthdays, and I feel like a child. Happy
Monday. 
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