Twenty Five for Twenty Six

I’m so tired but I did it. I completed the first kickboxing class. I was sad at a couple point because I felt silly and got frustrated. I could t do some of the moves and I kinda threw a small, personal, temper tantrum.  I go again next week 

Today my mom would have been 68 years old. I often wonder about what she would think of me, of my job, my choices, of Peter, of my cat, friends, school, all of it. It's strange to think 10 years ago I was about to turn 16 and she had just been put into her home; had just gotten worse and that my sister had recently brought Anderson into this world. It is crazy to think I have been without my mother being fully present since I was 8. Sometimes I tell my whole story (if you don't know it and want to, just ask) and people are just floored. When I reflect on that story, I am not. It doesn't ever feel like it could have gone any differently. I wasn't meant to have parents, but rather a parental units. I wasn't meant to be a child for long, but rather carry that feeling of childhood into my actions as an adult. And in ten years, I'll be 35, missing my mom, and who knows what else.  Today I had a small moment of panic as I looked at the scale and just wanted to cry. Th...

Today was a great day. It was a good day at work (despite the clients having a silent group because they are misbehaving), I looked hella cute in my dress and makeup and hair and over all good vibes #BossLadyMondayonaTuesday. Anella and I went to see The Nun because we have been trying to do this since it came out. We finally got to see it and it was freaky but not terrible. Jump scares mostly and general suspense. It is so different to go to the movies with a girl friend rather than a significant other, it seems more playful you know? As planned, she and I then went to the Mall to get our favorite food court Chinese food. It was fabulous (and fattening) but so good. While we were eating, a man approached us and walked if we wanted to play trivia to which Anella responded "she does" because I am chalk full of useless information (IS THAT THE CORRECT SPELLING OF THAT PHRASE???). So we start playing trivia while we eat. I don't think I have ever been that competitive ab...

In my line of work, guilt and shame are big topics to tackle. Addicted populations tend to experience high levels of both of these emotions and continue to maladaptively handle them thus spiraling further into their relationship with their drug of choice. "But what is the difference between guilt and shame?" they often ask. Being the good little mental health professional that I am, I psycho educate and then we work on stuff. It doesn't end there, it isn't that easy. Guilt and Shame are very difficult emotions to process and recover from.  Guilt is designed to keep us in check, from hurting anyone/stealing things; from violating morals or values set in place by a society to maintain order and piece. Whenever something happens, be it accidental or on purpose that violates these things, the average person feels guilty. For example, I never felt guilt about my eating happens until Noom explained to me what exactly I was putting into my body. So now, to avoid feeling guil...

As I transition into more hours as a therapist and tailor my schedule to this new life, I notice how much has changed and not changed over the last 6 years.  Today was a big realization moment for me when Peter and I befriend some guys in a line at HHN. Talked about the houses, past years, Bill and Ted, theme parks in general. It was great. And then I realized that these guys were children. They are in high school, in band. I felt my chest tighten once I figured it out. They did not look like high schoolers at all. They weren't like me and my ridiculous friends. They acted, looked, and spoke like adults, Mind blowing.  When I was in high school, 7 years ago (kill me now), we were not that poised, pretty, confident, fashionable, affluent, other adjectives to describe  these people. What must high school be like now??? I can't even think about that part... But I can think about how my friends have changed and stayed the same, how I still live in a fantasy world most of the ...

The past two days have been full of sleeping. The sickness got worse night before last so I called out of work yesterday to go to the doctors office. It’s been two weeks, it’s getting worse, time to go. So I slept until 2pm yesterday and then went to the doctor only to be told I have atypical pneumonia (it leads into walking pneumonia if it goes untreated I guess). And so I started on antibiotics and a steroid and water and all that Jazz. I also finished a book and started a new audiobook for the sequel. Peter passed out with all of the lights on at like 1145 and I followed shortly after because I was exhausted. I ended up oversleeping today and was late for work but I’m sick so it’s okay. Work was good, food content was not, water intake was okay. I got most of my stuff done and managed to turn some days around. Peter and I got back a little while ago from Universal where we were able to catch the new nighttime show over at Studios. It is still in rehearsal so tweaks will be made but ...

I missed the first! Yesterday was hectic but I took some time to rest because of the sick. I’ve been doing well with water so that is exciting. Good food? Not so much... I need to get back in track with that but none of those foods sound appetizing. It’s frustrating.  I work tomorrow until 10pm so another long day. We will figure it out though. 

The crusade of chart completion has been ended! We don’t know if they are all 100%  right but that part can be dealt with Monday. For now, it is over.  Peter and I went Bigfoot searching to celebrate and I cleaned around the house. 

I am sitting on  my kitchen floor in tears with my cat because I lost something. It went missing and I can’t find it. This happens to me often. I’m always misplacing things or forgetting them somewhere. I used to have meltdowns like this every time I would lose something but I have gotten so much better as I have gotten older (mostly because I forget more things more often and being upset all the time is exhausting). And then moments like today happen where it is something important and I know I did the right thing and put it where it goes and it just disappears. Poof. Gone. And I tear my apartment and car to pieces looking for it to no avail.  And then I get upset about being forgetful (I didn’t used to be and suddenly one day I just was) and if that means I’m ending up like my Mom. I get all kinds of irrational when I lose things and no amount of positive self talk or REBT seems to stop it. And it sucks so much. I hate feeling crazy as I check the same places over and over ...

I’m sorry for missing yesterday. It is our third anniversary for my boyfriend and I and celebrating started yesterday. We went out and had dinner st Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville in Citywalk (how is a turkey burger 1400 calories WITHOUT FRIES????) and then did some stuff over at Islands of Adventure.  He and I are themepark people; I could spend all day at a theme park and be perfectly content. He and I met at Citywalk originally so it is fitting.  The night ended with him getting dehydrated but it was fun none the less.  Today was our actual anniversary so we headed to Disney’s parks to bum around. This was a slight mistake as it was very hot and he got dehydrated again. So a lot of our Magic Kingdom time was spent in their first aid office with him lying down drinking some Powerade. It’s a great story though so I’m not bothered.  We finished the night with Tower of Terror and Star Tours and now we are going to bed.  Water intake has been good! Food intake.......

By some miracle of the world, I was able to get this whole weekend off!! My sister asked if I could come babysit so that her and her husband could go to dinner with his boss. I'm always down to see my little nuggets so Peter and I decided to come down for the night. I was jumped on and cuddle with by my youngest nephew and the older one was a little more focused on his video games (he earned Battlefront 2 for conquering RipRideRocket at Universal). I love seeing them because it is easy. Even with one of them being developmentally delayed and needing constant supervision, this is an easy thing to do. I know this pattern and these people and what is expected of me and I love it.  Peter and I also got to run around the house in the dark playing laser tag with the older nephew because he has home laser tag and it was pretty nifty. We hid flags in different areas and had to find them! I stubbed my toes 100 times and that wasn't great but running around is always exciting. We had piz...

The weird sick feelings are back and it is making me angry and scared considering Catherine's wedding is in two weeks and I CANNOT miss it or be sick. It can't happen.  I didn't post yesterday and thought I should inform the interwebz of something that happened. I had a hamburger and fries. For the first time. In two months. And I still managed to go down .7lbs so that is nice.  Today was another day of pouring rain and dreariness (Is that a word???). I danced with Ericka and got a free lotion stick thing. I had soup for lunch and pigs in a blanket for dinner.  I will say, even though I am not meeting all of my goals as I would like to be, I am doing fairly well with my main one which is nice. I WANT TO GET ON A SCHEDULE THOUGH. I couldn't begin to explain why I fail so miserably at it. I just want to be able to be one of those people who can live out of a planner. Ugh. 

Hello again, who ever (or is it whomever?) you are reading this. If you’ve been following along for a while, you can tell I’m struggling to write the correct things recently. I keep missing days or having throw away posts. It’s nothing for me to be ashamed of and I know that. This is my project. I did better this month than the last two which is an accomplishment.  But today I thought I’d walk you through one of what I call the “stuffs”; the things that keep me preoccupied. Recently I have been internally panicking about a new medication I was placed on. My stupid self looked up the side effects and now I’m just petrified. I’m Working hard to lose my 25 pounds (I could be working harder I will admit that) and to think that I could lose all my progress and it isn’t even my fault? It’s brought me to tears multiple times. Like sobbing, shaking tears. And then to think that I could become severely depressed, because of something that is supposed to help with something else, in my line ...

Is officially my new favorite Tony Stark line ala Aveners Age of Ultron (which when you think about it was only like two weeks).  Today was okay. Work was fine, just me struggling to remember things (which is a new thing that keeps happening) and struggling with time management. Food wasn’t terrible today (wasn’t good either) and my Noom app taught me stuff I already knew such as me being an emotional eater AND a task eater.  I got to play some video games on Peter’s Xbox one. I’ve discovered I love this maze game called The Witness.  I finished my other audiobook and it honestly was the best on out of the whole series. It was a strong ending to the original saga; now to figure out if I want to burst that bubble by reading the spinoffs!  Peter and I watched Avengers two because we will be seeing Infnity War tomorrow. Avoiding spoilers like the plague over here. I know some stuff happens but I don’t know what exactly so it should still be an adventure tomorrow. 

I missed yesterday.  In my defense, I ended up working from 930am-1155pm. I also got blood work drawn.  The down side to that was I had three donuts.  Today was rainy and miserable at work but! Erika and I got to dance to the German band at the same time so that was exciting!  I started my 6th book of the year and Peter and I went to see the Pacific Rim sequel.

Hheeellloooooo, it’s me!  Today has been an interesting day. I missed yesterday because I was tired. And that tired carried into today. But I was able to start speaking with a traffic lawyer about that ridiculousness of a ticket. And then I cleaned parts of my house and did grocery shopping! Catherine is visiting tomorrow for some wedding preparation stuff and then I’m working all day on Easter. I finished another book (ghosts haunting trees, interesting concept) and decided on a new goal for the next few months!!  March was a better month. Not great, but better and I will take that. Let’s see how April goes. 

If I want to lose the rest of the weight, I need to buckle down and actually adhere to some sort of consent meal prep/plan. I wasn’t awful today but I’m not sure it was exactly good either. I need to add more veggies and fruit consistently and less junk. I know all of this.  Also, today was spent trying to emotionally recover from my weekend because it wasn’t great. I’ll be okay but just lots to recover from today was all. 

I feel like that ghost man balancing four plates with only one leg to stand on A LOT. And it is my own doing with working all my part time jobs.  It is hard for me give any of them up because they each bring me joy and purpose in different ways. My schedule is getting a little easier now that it’s pretty much the same shift every day at Disney. However, they are closing shifts so I’m losing time to meal prep, grocery shop, clean, etc.  This week should hopefully be a little bit better. I made my schedule already and by golly I’m sticking to it come hell or high water. Moving some gym days around has been helping but we still aren’t completely to three times a week. However, I walk 6.2 miles every shift with Disney so that has to count for something?  Food options have not been great because I have no time to make my own food. It is always on the go so it’s always stuff that isn’t great for me and costs more than I would like it to. Ugh. I just need to find the time. To ma...

 I was able to have a piece of cake today. It was scrumptious! I had a big lunch from the mall so I split that between two meals. And the small cake too. The cake was in celebration because boyfriend is pretty sure he got the job he’s been praying on. So celebratory cake. Also because I needed sugar.  It has been a tough week. For work, for relationships, for work, for blogging, for the cat (we changed her diet, obviouslt she thinks she’s dying), for work, for eating, and for the gym. Did I mention for work?  My profession prevents me from a ton of public stories but it has been a doozie since Monday. And it just gets more and more interesting as the week goes on. I’m definitely feeling the struggle this week as I attempt to juggle theee jobs with one job having seven individual clients and the other having harder hours. I can do it, I know I can. This week was just hard.  Yesterday’s post was canceled due to extreme tiredness from walking 8 miles through out the day...