Twenty Five for Twenty Six

SPOOKY BARK!! I made it for work tomorrow for our staff meeting!!  The white bark has mint chocolate candies in it in addition to the standard bark offerings of Reese’s, KitKat, Twix,  crushed Halloween Oreos, goldfish, pretzels, and sprinkles!!  It’s essentially diabetes in bowl but it only happens once a year so it works out! 

Today was another kickboxing day. I struggled with a lot of the workout, both with stamina as well as comprehension. I know that takes practice, I had just hoped I’d be better at it I guess? I have one more free class and then I’m unsure from there.  I get to apply some of my anger towards people in my life in the class though. It helped increase my pace during the speed rounds but then I lost form. It’s all a big balance. 

I spent the majority of the last week working extra  hours so I could have a half day in order to go to HHN with Kayla and Brianna. It was a highly successful night!! I got Brianna to go through some of the scariest houses and in general we got a ton of stuff done. 7/10 houses!! Crazy!! Kayla and I ended up going a additional night to repeat some stuff and do the show. Next year will hopefully be just as successful!  Peter and I saw the remake of Halloween in theaters. It’s an entertaining movie with some twists. I thought it was good and I’d go see it again for sure just to see how those twists hold up.  I then got to go to Tampa to see Catherine and dress up as Dark Betty from Riverdale!! Of course, it wasn’t perfect and getting the supplies ended up being an adventure in and of itself but it was fun and I can always perfect her costume in the coming weeks! 

I’m so tired but I did it. I completed the first kickboxing class. I was sad at a couple point because I felt silly and got frustrated. I could t do some of the moves and I kinda threw a small, personal, temper tantrum.  I go again next week 

Peter and I have been away from HHN for about a week now. Something has been preventing us from going every time we try. Today was set up to be a good day though! We built a shelving unit and then went to McDonald’s and then began our journey to Universal.  Spoiler alert: We didn’t get there.  We made it into a line that stretched the length of the Universl Orlando Resort.  “Please tell us what the line was for!!” This line was for the parking lot.  We have done everything at HHN so we turned our little butts around after 30 minutes (0.2 miles of movement) and went to the outlets instead.

Before I started practicum in grad school, my sister bought me a pair of professional pants from the Loft. They were on sale and the fit snug. This was in late 2015/early 2016. Two-three years ago. Today I put on those pants, after not being able to where them since August of 2016. And they were loose.  I may not be on track to lose all the weight I wanted to lose but that moment of fitting back into a pair of pants better than I fit into them originally was absolutely wonderful. 

I am all over the place for sure today (the last few days really). Between worrying about things that I have no business worrying about, trying to complete my goals, work, and general adult skills I feel defeated. I’m struggling to find inspiration and motivation to be consistent. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I find myself exhausted the moment I get home (because my Job is exhausting and so is being at home). I look around my apartment and it’s a disaster (even for me it’s bad) and yet I have no energy to fix it. I can’t focus on anything for very long, I’m getting headaches and joint pain again (I was like this all through out high school). And yet I don’t feel nearly as stressed as I did as a teenager. I don’t understand it at all.  I’m sure that people who see me in person and then read here may be confused. I’m seemingly fine  most days. I’m good at masks. I feel the most authentic at work with my clients. Useful, mostly happy, and capable. I’m good at my job. Why ...

I have so many adult responsibilities to do in the next like 6 days and I’m not even sure how to do all of them. - return my snapshot device - look at different car insurance  - fax charity care information to debt people - figure out student loan stuff - cancel protein shake stuff  - finish file audits at work - organize entire apartment  I’m sure there is more and I’m just forgetting. 

I wrote the first half of a post for today and it was a giant apology. To myself, to others, in general.  I haven’t been able to keep up with the things I set for myself and now new stressors are entering my life.  I wanted to find a picture of the Titanic quote that Rose says about screaming in a crowded room and no one looking up it the internet hates me. But that’s how I feel. It’s my own fault though, I’m too stubborn to be 100 percent with everyone even though I want to be.  I want to be better. I want to be the person I portray but  I’m good at masks. I’m good at illusion. It’s what I was taught by many different life experiences.  I’m an odd person, I’m aware of this fact. I took pride in being odd and not having many friends or being popular. I managed and was happy and grateful with how things worked out. More recently, I feel alone and stuck and unsure or myself and it’s terrifying. 

Went to food and wine with Catherine and Alex. Was fun. Too tired to type anything else m. 

Today’s Mental Health Minute is about gratitude.  I was at a job fair hiring people for my program and I had this moment of terror. I could be one of these people, desperately trying to find employment to no avail. There were peopl with all kinds of degrees, history, language, race, and preference. We had to turn down quite a few of them and it broke my heart on a few. They were trying so hard and couldn’t find a program that could take them.  I had to remember to be grateful in that moment- for my job, my opportunities, the food they company was providing, for everything I had with me at that moment.  Practicing gratitude  can help center you, aide in physical pain, help with focus in addition to letting go of anxiety, guilt, and shame.  It is a great anger management tool as well. But how??  Intentionality mindfulness, gratitude lists, gratitude individual letter, the list  goes on!, 

I know is till need to do a MHM and I will however, my weigh in yesterday wasn’t where I wanted it. I needed to be st 150. Instead I was at 152. I’m doing count down to change which helps as it gets me in the gym more often. I’m struggling with sweets really badly though.  I am going to add an ab challenge for this month to have some exertion everyday and hopefully have better foods for this month as we approach the end goal. 

Halloween officially starts in 30 days, all the friend time is this month, it must be October!!  This also means it is the last month to accomplish goals. I am adding one or two changes here and there and I am still 6 pounds away from my goal weight (dying of frustration).  It’s mind blowing to think about how much I have accomplished and how much I didn’t even start. I have a little bit of time but 26 is rapidly approaching. It’s he final countdown!! 

Today my mom would have been 68 years old. I often wonder about what she would think of me, of my job, my choices, of Peter, of my cat, friends, school, all of it. It's strange to think 10 years ago I was about to turn 16 and she had just been put into her home; had just gotten worse and that my sister had recently brought Anderson into this world. It is crazy to think I have been without my mother being fully present since I was 8. Sometimes I tell my whole story (if you don't know it and want to, just ask) and people are just floored. When I reflect on that story, I am not. It doesn't ever feel like it could have gone any differently. I wasn't meant to have parents, but rather a parental units. I wasn't meant to be a child for long, but rather carry that feeling of childhood into my actions as an adult. And in ten years, I'll be 35, missing my mom, and who knows what else.  Today I had a small moment of panic as I looked at the scale and just wanted to cry. Th...

Today was a great day. It was a good day at work (despite the clients having a silent group because they are misbehaving), I looked hella cute in my dress and makeup and hair and over all good vibes #BossLadyMondayonaTuesday. Anella and I went to see The Nun because we have been trying to do this since it came out. We finally got to see it and it was freaky but not terrible. Jump scares mostly and general suspense. It is so different to go to the movies with a girl friend rather than a significant other, it seems more playful you know? As planned, she and I then went to the Mall to get our favorite food court Chinese food. It was fabulous (and fattening) but so good. While we were eating, a man approached us and walked if we wanted to play trivia to which Anella responded "she does" because I am chalk full of useless information (IS THAT THE CORRECT SPELLING OF THAT PHRASE???). So we start playing trivia while we eat. I don't think I have ever been that competitive ab...

In my line of work, guilt and shame are big topics to tackle. Addicted populations tend to experience high levels of both of these emotions and continue to maladaptively handle them thus spiraling further into their relationship with their drug of choice. "But what is the difference between guilt and shame?" they often ask. Being the good little mental health professional that I am, I psycho educate and then we work on stuff. It doesn't end there, it isn't that easy. Guilt and Shame are very difficult emotions to process and recover from.  Guilt is designed to keep us in check, from hurting anyone/stealing things; from violating morals or values set in place by a society to maintain order and piece. Whenever something happens, be it accidental or on purpose that violates these things, the average person feels guilty. For example, I never felt guilt about my eating happens until Noom explained to me what exactly I was putting into my body. So now, to avoid feeling guil...

As I transition into more hours as a therapist and tailor my schedule to this new life, I notice how much has changed and not changed over the last 6 years.  Today was a big realization moment for me when Peter and I befriend some guys in a line at HHN. Talked about the houses, past years, Bill and Ted, theme parks in general. It was great. And then I realized that these guys were children. They are in high school, in band. I felt my chest tighten once I figured it out. They did not look like high schoolers at all. They weren't like me and my ridiculous friends. They acted, looked, and spoke like adults, Mind blowing.  When I was in high school, 7 years ago (kill me now), we were not that poised, pretty, confident, fashionable, affluent, other adjectives to describe  these people. What must high school be like now??? I can't even think about that part... But I can think about how my friends have changed and stayed the same, how I still live in a fantasy world most of the ...

I have been struggling over the last few days with gaining some of my weight back inexplicably. It is frustrating to say the least. After my workout today I was at 152.8 and while that is okay... it isn’t where I should be. However, I’m not sure what else to be doing. *sigh*

Decorating the house for Halloween has been a thing for Peter and I the last few years. It just activates the season for us and makes us happier humans. We went to Target for a couple of things and ended up spending 30 dollars on unnecessary things. Like a two story, Haunted House cat scratch thing. And notchristmas lights for the patio... DECORATING HERE WE COME

Peter and I did complete a third night at HHN. That is a full weekend of spooks and we still have two houses to finish!!! Nonsense!  We went through Scary Tales, The Horrors of Blumhouse, Dead Exposure-Patient Zero, and Stranger Things. Scary Tales was the best of the night for sure!! Immersive and beautiful, the set pieces, costumes, scents, and tricks were really awesome. Being the fairy tale fan that I am, I also appreciate the reverse.  Blumhouse was the second house of the night and I wasn't expecting a whole bunch. The houses in this location are not the best in my opinion (Inisidious' section of the house last year was intense but I stand by the statement) and this was no exception. Happy Death Day was a blast although not all that scary. The same character repetitively jumps out of the same spot so... Yeah... The First Purge Section was played out for me. It's a tired franchise and we need to take a break from it. It works best as a scare zone and even that needs to...