Twenty Five for Twenty Six

SPOOKY BARK!! I made it for work tomorrow for our staff meeting!!  The white bark has mint chocolate candies in it in addition to the standard bark offerings of Reese’s, KitKat, Twix,  crushed Halloween Oreos, goldfish, pretzels, and sprinkles!!  It’s essentially diabetes in bowl but it only happens once a year so it works out! 

Today was another kickboxing day. I struggled with a lot of the workout, both with stamina as well as comprehension. I know that takes practice, I had just hoped I’d be better at it I guess? I have one more free class and then I’m unsure from there.  I get to apply some of my anger towards people in my life in the class though. It helped increase my pace during the speed rounds but then I lost form. It’s all a big balance. 

Peter and I have been away from HHN for about a week now. Something has been preventing us from going every time we try. Today was set up to be a good day though! We built a shelving unit and then went to McDonald’s and then began our journey to Universal.  Spoiler alert: We didn’t get there.  We made it into a line that stretched the length of the Universl Orlando Resort.  “Please tell us what the line was for!!” This line was for the parking lot.  We have done everything at HHN so we turned our little butts around after 30 minutes (0.2 miles of movement) and went to the outlets instead.

Before I started practicum in grad school, my sister bought me a pair of professional pants from the Loft. They were on sale and the fit snug. This was in late 2015/early 2016. Two-three years ago. Today I put on those pants, after not being able to where them since August of 2016. And they were loose.  I may not be on track to lose all the weight I wanted to lose but that moment of fitting back into a pair of pants better than I fit into them originally was absolutely wonderful. 

I have so many adult responsibilities to do in the next like 6 days and I’m not even sure how to do all of them. - return my snapshot device - look at different car insurance  - fax charity care information to debt people - figure out student loan stuff - cancel protein shake stuff  - finish file audits at work - organize entire apartment  I’m sure there is more and I’m just forgetting. 

Went to food and wine with Catherine and Alex. Was fun. Too tired to type anything else m. 

Today’s Mental Health Minute is about gratitude.  I was at a job fair hiring people for my program and I had this moment of terror. I could be one of these people, desperately trying to find employment to no avail. There were peopl with all kinds of degrees, history, language, race, and preference. We had to turn down quite a few of them and it broke my heart on a few. They were trying so hard and couldn’t find a program that could take them.  I had to remember to be grateful in that moment- for my job, my opportunities, the food they company was providing, for everything I had with me at that moment.  Practicing gratitude  can help center you, aide in physical pain, help with focus in addition to letting go of anxiety, guilt, and shame.  It is a great anger management tool as well. But how??  Intentionality mindfulness, gratitude lists, gratitude individual letter, the list  goes on!, 

I know is till need to do a MHM and I will however, my weigh in yesterday wasn’t where I wanted it. I needed to be st 150. Instead I was at 152. I’m doing count down to change which helps as it gets me in the gym more often. I’m struggling with sweets really badly though.  I am going to add an ab challenge for this month to have some exertion everyday and hopefully have better foods for this month as we approach the end goal. 

I have been struggling over the last few days with gaining some of my weight back inexplicably. It is frustrating to say the least. After my workout today I was at 152.8 and while that is okay... it isn’t where I should be. However, I’m not sure what else to be doing. *sigh*

Decorating the house for Halloween has been a thing for Peter and I the last few years. It just activates the season for us and makes us happier humans. We went to Target for a couple of things and ended up spending 30 dollars on unnecessary things. Like a two story, Haunted House cat scratch thing. And notchristmas lights for the patio... DECORATING HERE WE COME

In general, goals have been iffy. I have been drinking water regularly, hanging out with friends more, today was a Fashionista Friday, and I have been looking into how to submit a proposal. Weight increased but I can't quite pin point why.  Today was the first night of HHN. It was okay. We made it through one house and then lines got worse, the time crunch kicked in, hunger struck, and dehydration took Peter out completely. We are going back tomorrow, hopefully I will have more to report. 

Today the realization of how bad my chocolate problem is getting hit me. I packed a chocolate tear to split between both meals at work. I ate lunch and then sat here for at least 15 minutes before making the mental decision to go stare st the vending machine. Really that choice was to go get something sweet, something chocolaty and delicious. I devoured it in less than two minutes.  My addiction to chocolate (realistically sugary caffeine) has been getting steady worse since 2015. In these last two month, when I need to be working my hardest to meet my goals I have not been doing well fighting agaisnt chocolate. And I am not even adopted the mindset of “you get none!” I give myself the false security of “moderation.” Maybe I need to try none. Get some of the sugar or if the system. Withdraw, who knows!! But this makes me the tiniest bit sad that I can’t say no to myself. 

It is crazy to think that I am in the last two months of my project. Things are going okay with it to be honest. I am down to 152 as of this morning, only 7 more lbs to go until my goal is achieved. The rest of the goals are doing better over the last week and I am about to start on the proposal I want to write. The budget, schedule, and car stuff is still a struggle but I am still constituents working on it. Big decisions have to happen for me in the next week months so we shall see how any goals will be impacted.  There are things in my life that are making posting hard and I told my self in the beginning that it was okay to miss posts. I just don't like missing them weeks at a time. It feel unauthentic, disingenuous, wrong. But the things that are happening take me out of a blogging head space... It just makes it so hard to be motivated about writing. That is something I will have to adjust. 

This isn't the first time I have worn it but it still blows my mind. When I FIRST put on the crop top I own, I was in work out pants that attractively went up to my belly button. I struggled with the concept of " you can't get this, no one wants to see you walk around like that..." For multiple reasons. One, I am pale. Rediculously pale. And chubby.   I wore it with high waisted shorts and white sneakers. Reflecting on it, it seems very nineties. I digress.  I wore it to Magic Kingdom for Peter's birthday and then again today after work to traipse around the Food and Wine Festival with Ilana. Both times started out as this self conscious, worried feeling. " No one wants to see this, you look rediculous, she's urging you, they're judging you." And then this confident, BAMF feeling seeps in of "they're looking because you look good, you feel great right now, you are a bad ass, you're midriff is great" ect.  It isn't something ...

I had so many things written down when I scribbled them all on receipt tape from work. Most of them ended up making the final posting of goals but a few were changed. I wanted to dye my hair, get my nails done, figure out birthday shenanigans ect. Some of that isn't realistic at the moment so I will go with something I kind of already did on here but the more expanded version of it. I want better skin. I want to fix my complexion, figure out my skin type. I want to not look like a teenager. Goal Twenty Five- get an assessment from somewhere for suggestions about my skin. 

Approaching 26 has me thinking a ton about stereotypes of early-mid twenties. I keep thinking to myself (in the car, in the shower, at work while people are talking to me) "shouldn't I be having more fun? Shouldn't I be hanging out with my friends and doing fun things?" Don't get my wrong, I do see my friends and do fun things. I just work so much that I can't seem to find the time to see them as often as I would like. I want to go dancing more often, I want to be able to go to theme parks with so many people, I want to be able to go do touristy things with my friends because we are goofy. There are many things that get in the way of me doing all of these things but maybe, just maybe, if I make it a goal. I can sit there and figure out a way to see my friends more often.  Goal Twenty Four- go out with my friends. 

FALL IS ALMOST HERE!!! SPOOKY TIME IS ALMOST HERE!!  AHHHHHHH Okay I'm fine it is fine. But yes, the bewitching season is almost upon us and I am stoked. Costumes and monsters, parties and Horror Nights, scary movies and pumpkin everything! I can't wait, I love fall!! This year I want to wear a costume that is a little more daring than things of the past (I love princess and fairies and sparkles, not a secret). And I want to take a page out of Catherine's book and do a Riverdale character because Riverdale is life.  Goal Twenty Three- Find materials and create a Dark Betty Halloween Costume. 

Fashion isn't something I pride myself on or claim to know anything about. I would much rather feel comfortable in clothing and accessories rather than look fabulous. My clothing selection is eclectic at best and I some of it is just old. Goal Twenty Two involves getting five new pieces by my birthday. And guess what? I only need four more!! 

Research is probably my least favorite thing in the world to do. I can write a research paper and make all the dots connect but I hate looking through articles and find the source material. It's frustrating.  That being said, recently an idea popped into my head about presenting at a counseling conference. I haven't been the greatest idea creator for things like that but since I work in residential I wondered "Could I educate about developing boundaries on residential units?" Maybe I can and maybe I can't, the goal isn't necessarily to present at the actual conference but rather (Goal Twenty One) develop a proposal for a conference on boundaries in residential. 

Counseling isn't an easy profession by any means. We have to do a lot of self care to stay balanced and avoid burnout and becoming jaded by our clients. Sometimes that means seeking a helper for ourselves. Recently, my life feels like it has been all over the place which is stressful . I'm usually pretty good about balancing all of the pieces and parts. But it's taking a toll and starting to catch up to me. Goal Twenty, start counseling sessions by your birthday.